ahahahahahaaaaa... so uhhhhh,, an updates ig on my last entry,,, uhmmm i hung out wif that guy on sunday,, [i was gonna say yesterday but it is now tuesday :/ ] uhhhh yea,,, it was fine ig??? idkkkk im veryyy,, hmmm, confused ig???? like,,, he kissed me [my 1st kiss o_o"] which,,, i didnt mind at the time,, but idk how i feel now wen i think about it [uhhh i was kinda high at the time 2 soooooo,, that really doesnt help wif how i feel ahahahaaa...] an like,,, it wasnt just a *single* kiss yaknow,,, haaaaa i feel weird sayin [typing ig...] it,,, idk y,,, but yea,, im sure u can pick up on what i mean,,,, but yea,,, idk,, like,,, fuck it was so weirdddddd,, an idk if it was jus cus it was my 1st time or what,, an like,, ig i liked it wen it was happening??? i really dont fuckin know jfc,,, honestly,, this has jus kinda been makin me like,,, seriously think if im asexual,,, 4 like,,, the past day??? idk ive kinda lost track of time ngl,,, but like,,, idk,, its always been a thing ive thought of,,, like,,, but idk cus like,, i like the *idea* of being in a relationship,,, but like,,, actually being in 1 is uncompfy 2 me??? idk maybe its cus this guy is pretty like,,, direct about it,, but i feel like,,, i jus have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be [i think ive talked about this b4 but 2 sum it up,,, uhhh basically ive created mmmm fantasies ig?? were i live out my ideal life bc im very, VERY lonely an,,, yea,,, its honestly kind of an issue at this point,,, like,, shit is jus so skewed in my stupid little brain... an its hard wen i do actually try an find a relationship bc i know ill literally NEVER find a real version of this 1 character[basically my imaginary boyfriend :/] an i want so badly for him to exist bc we [obviously] work well together [cus ive made him 2 b my ideal parter] an yea,,, idk maybe im meant 2 b alone,, but i prolly jus need a therapist lmao] but yea,, idk,, i mite give it another chance??? like,,, hanging out wif him,, cus i feel like 1 chance an deciding imediately after 2 stop it,, idk,, isnt fair 2 either him or 2 the hampster in my brain struggling 2 process how i feel about this shit... uhmmm enuff about me strugglin mentally lmaoo... uhhhh idk,,, ive been sleepin alot l8ly,,, an i dont think its like,, a good thing,,, like,,, yesterday[i mean sunday,, it feels like yesterday 2 me,,, this is what i meant wen i said im kinda losing track of time... did i actually say that???? idr...] wen i got home at like,,,7 i think,, i took a nap like,, an hour after i got home,,, an i woke up at like,,, fuck idk 10:30??? an then i stayed up til like,,, 3AM,, an i didnt like,, actually wake up an get outta bed til 5PM... which has been happening more recently[ on like,, the weekends cus i only jus got outta school[also not at l8 as 5,, i usually got up around like,,, 12-2 those days]] an like,,, ig i can kinda blame it on the previously mentioned...."fantasies" [my brain keeps thinkinh its spelled phantasies,,, tf,, like,, phantoms not...dan and phil jfc...i feel like this entry is jus making me sound fuckin crazy...] cus llike,, i jus spend the whole time waking up,,, thinkin about it,, diff scenes an shit,, an then falling back asleep,,, an jus repeat that over an over,,,, hhhhh idk,, recently ive been more focused on,, not my main 1 [this is where my ocs come from btw,, which is y i kinda feel uncompfy talking about them an thier stories,, they jus feel really,,, personal 2 me ig] but a,,, hmmm i suppose newer??? story,,, ive had 1 of the characters since like,,, 8th grade but i never knew what 2 do wif him,, idk its jus nice 2 have a change in,, setting?? jus general plot?? cus my main 1 gets... boring sumtimes[i prefer my stories 2 b on the more,, realistic side,, like,,, not super dramatized like a movie or sumn] it jus,,,, grrr it pisses me off cus i finally have a decent story 4 them BUT I LITERALLY CANT DRAW THESE FUCKERS AHHHHHHHHHHHH i jus wanna draw them together ughhhhhhh,,, i jus cant tho,, they look dumb in my "normal" style,, which i havnt even drawn in 4 a hot ass minute,, ive been drawin a bit more realistically recently,,,GOD FUCK ANYWAYS THIS IS SO FUCKING LONG NOWWWWW okok ive been workin on my besties birthday pressie,, im makin 3 of her fav animal crossing villagers wif clay,, but im puttin magnets in thier head so i can make them funny litle hats >:-) i really hope she likes them,, i feel like she will tho :D idk,, she like sute lil stuff like that,, i made her a plushie of stitches 2 years ago :D ahhh shes jus so nice il her,, even tho we dont talk all that much,, uhmmm the site anniversaryy is in a few dayys so ill try an have the new setup finished by thennn,, my freinds present is my top priority tho cus her party is on saturdayy,, this 1s a bit irrelevant but i also wanna rearrange my room again[i like to every few months,, i dont like my room always being in the same setup,, its,,, uncomfortable to live in it wen its been the same 4 so long] an like,, idk,,, have a nice, fresh setup since its,, ig the beginning of new era?? in my life,, also cus my fucking desk is in my fucking closet an theres no fucking light in that part of my room :// [i only put in in there cus my mom is a nosey ass bitch an im sick of her loookin an what im doin] okokok thats enuff from me jfc its now 2:35... GOODBYE IM DONEEEEEEEE
AHHHHHH I GRADUATED TODAYYY(technically yesterday as its now 1am) but yeaaaa im officially an adult or whatevr,, crazyyy,, the actual ceremony was aaight,, wee were able 2 get an in person ceremony an they didd 2 diff ones instead of 1 big 1,,, i went 2 the later ceremony,, it was windy asf tho an i had 2 hold my dam cap on the entire timeee,, idk it was fun doe,, i gotta chat wif this 1 guy while we were waiting o///o hehe,,, i used 2 have a crush on him last year,,,, an i may or may not be crushin on him once aagain ahahahhsshahg,,,, we were facetiming an he called me prettyyyyyy ughhhhhh,,, i 4got how nice this feeling was,, an i feel like its not as awkward 2 talk 2 him cus i like,,, alredy know him 4 awhile,,, idk but he asked iif i wanted 2 hang out so,,,, hhhh yea,,, thats gonna b were i mite b awkward,, i really hate how shitty my damn social skills are,,, idk i jus gotta like,, idk not think about it 2 much or ill scare myself out of my feeelings again,,, ugh the worst part is like,, id like 2 b in a relationship were we like,,, hug an kiss an stuff(sexual stuff is kinda,,,, ehhhh 4 me,,,scary,, idk if i want 2 do that kinda stuff anytime soon) but like,,, the idea of that stuff is nice,, but i feel like its gonna b so werid 4 me when it actually happens,,, like i see my friend an thier bf doin that kinda shit n im like,,,, yikes wtf thats so weirddddddd,,, ahahashahh its like,,, im so fucking touch starved im scared of it nowww,,, but also like,,, he hugged me after we graduated an it was kinda nice???? hhhhh fuckkkkk relationships r weirdddd,, altho ig idk if ill actually b in a relationship or whaterv wif him,, itd b kinda nice tho i think :) idk,, im happy rn,,, uhhhhh anyways site stuff,,, im almost done setting up the new format on evry page,, so i can update it all pretty soon yayyyy
so i went 2 my schools lil senior sunset event an,,, well tbh it was kinda boring,,, but i looked cute asf B) uhmmm,,, i saw a certain,,, someone,,, eh 2 people,, who ive mentioned b4 [well at least one of them] an,,,, jfc it made me so anxious seeing them 4 the 1st time in like,,, a year,,, but uhhh i walked past were they were sitting an 1 of them waved at me an i jus gave her a like,,, glare/wtf kinda look?? an kept walking,,, ive been wanting 2 tell her off 4 awhile tbh,,, ive let go 4 the most part but idk,,, that shits hard sumtimes,,, an now its a bit more of a hatred 2wards her?? idk how 2 explain it but i felt a bit better afterwards,,, aftr the event thingy was over i went wof my friend an thier boyf 2 a McDonald's ahsgahaha,,, we jus sat in the parking lot an ate an lowkey talked shit bout our familys an jus random stuff,,, idk,,, it was nice tho cus i dont get 2 do that kinda thing a whole lot,,, i wanna actually like,,, hang out wif my friends over summer,,, cus literally every other summer ive jus stayed in my house the entire time,,, not fun 0/10,,, but yea id rather not spend my whole summer wif my sisters cus being wif them so much negatively affects me an my social skills,,,
hmmmmm i kinda wanna keep emotional kinda stuff outta here,, so i mite go thru an delete sum stuff,, umm i wanted 2 work on the site rn but i 4got my charger ughhhhhh,,, today is technically my last day of school :// i printed out a bunch of sticker in my graphics class :D im sad im leaving that class,, my teacher was the best,, i really hope that she can get the adult class set up 4 next school year,, plus 1 of my friends also wants 2 do it so yayyyy,, the schools doin a lil event thingy tonite so ima go2 that cus well,,, didnt get 2 do anything this year...yea,,, idk,, i was gona say sumn else but i completly 4got oops ^^"
hiiiiii its been awhile since ive done much wif my site oops,,, i graduate in a like,,, a week,,, next wednesday 2 b specific,,, ahhhhhh,, but yea ive been a bit busy bc of it,, final projects and such ^^". hmmmm i think [regarding the site] im gona put the code 4 my swag new layout on2 every page,,, jus 2 get things in order yaknow,,, an then afterthat try an figure out css so i can make the sidebars conistant wwif updates[b/c currently if i want 2 like,,, add a new button on the right sidebar, id have to go into every single page an update it] an like,,,, ik itll prolly be less work for me to do the css before,,, but ohwell,,, i have to like,,, pretty much completely learn css cus i didnt when i started coding....PROTIP IF U WANNA START A SITE JUS LEARN CSS DONT B A DUMB BITCH LIKE ME LOLOLOL,,,hmmmm summer plans??? i needa get my mfing license,, i am NOT tryna stay in my damn house all summer,,, i needa find a job >:(( which i really dont want 2,, but i need 2 get one,,, i need money,,,uhmmm my friends boyfriends mom is a seamstress, an ig she gonna give my friends like,,, an "intership" kinda thing over the summer[possibly a paid one],, an ig she said they could bring a friend if they wanted to,, which obvi they said me cus like,,, i help them out wif sewing an crafting an stuff like that sumtimes,, an i wanna learn how to make like,, actual clothes 2,,, i needa like,, ask them 4 the details about that cus that sounds funn,, uhmmm,, i was gona sign up for my graphics teachers fall ROP class for next school year, so id have access to the print shop and the adobe softwares [my schools kinda bougie ngl,, so my teacher was able to get like,,, reaally good printers an machines an stuff, kinda unrelated but my graphics teacher is cool asf,, shes super nice, but shes like,,, cool 2,,, she reminds me of a more like "responsible" version of 1 of my old neighbours,, who is also really fun,,] but the school doesnt actually have an adult ROP class set up yet,, so my teacher is tryna get that set up so the seniors who wanna come back can,,, an shes like,,, really tryna get it set up cus wen she went to my school wen she was in highschool,, it was the schools graphics class an the option 4 her to come back after she graduated,, that like,,, helped her start her business an stuff[she had like,,, a print shop or sumn],,, mmmm but yea,,, idrk what i wanna do yet,, but graphics is a direction i kinda wanna go in,, idk yet,, but its good to have options yaknow,,, hahah anyways enuff from me,,, AHHHH I JUS REALIZED MY SITE IS ALMOST A YEAR OLD!!!!! i think ill try an have evrythin updated by then hehe,,
ahahahhshhsdhsijdhh fuck,,,, i wish i had jus learned how 2 code css like,, wen i started this site,,, woulda made shit so much easierrrrrr,,,, ugh anyways,,,,2DAY IS MY BIRFDAY!!!!!(technically) my birfday is on the 6th,,, but i was born in new zealand,, so the 5th here in shitty america,, is the 6th in new zealand,, which means,,, *technically* 2day is my birfday,,, my family has always kinda done this tho,, we usually celebrate our bdays on the new zealand day(not my dad tho, he was born in america,, altho,,, idk if thats correct anymore actually,, cus he lived on a few army bases wen he was a kid,,hmmm never thought bout that b4(ik that he lived in japan 4 a bit wen he was a kid)) but hey,, im not complaining,, i get my presents a day early B) ... well,,, back 2 tryna figure out css 4 the sidebars (ToT )
i hate it here, this room, this house. im trapped in this cage. a sense of dread and lonliness washes over me when i enter. the view of the window, the broken fence, what once brought me comfort now makes me feel dead. i want to escape. feel the wind on my face, the sun. i want to feel alive. but i dont here. its cold and dark. like a time capsule, a me from another time, and i dont belong anymore. where do I belong?
w000 im alm0st d0ne wif the new sidebar hehe B) jus a few finishing touches an then i can like,,, actually put it on the site!!! its like,,, midnite tho so ill b goin 2 bed wen im done typin this lol,, i ended up goin 2 the park earlier cus idk,,, lately ive been jus not wantin 2 b in my house,, it was nice tho,,, i came home,, messed around a bit an started coding at like,,, 9:30,, an i was complaing that it was *only* 9 cus i wanted 2 go 2 bed,,i now sit here 3 hours later like,,,how tf- idk,, coding is fun,, even if its a bit tedious,,,
sup,,, im like,,, kinda mad inactive wif updating my site recently lol,,,,,, ima try 2 get sum stuffs done durin my lunch break after i have a shower,,, not a whole lots happened recently,,, im lackin a bit on the motivation department,,, i have a shit ton of projects ive started an havnt finished,,, which,,, hhh i kinda dont wanna deal wif atm,, my main priorities wif the site atm is 2 finish the side bar update, an make a contacts page/ finish my about me page, not sure if ill make them seperate or not. also,,,, jus found out that the programme is use 2 write my code b4 i put it in neocities,,, is gonna shutdown in september :-/ now that is a while from now,,, but i gotta like,,, transfer a bunch of shit now 2 a diff programme. so yea,,, ugh. ummmm i turn 18 in like,,, 33 days or sumn,,, so yea,,, not really lookin forward 2 that... i am gona get sumn ive wanted 4 a few years tho 4 my bday, its a frame arms girl,, they kinda like gundam,, its a model kit,, but its like,,, an anime girl ig,,, idk they super cute thooo, an the model i wanna get is super cute 2!!!
sup,, i havnt been up2 much latly,, been bit m0re f0cused 0n sch00l ykn0w. jus updated a few things ive been meaning 2 actually p0st 0n2 ne0cities, the next few m0nths r pr0lly g0na b a bit busy 4 me,, with my birthday an graduati0n, b0th in a few m0nths. theres still al0tta things i have planned 2 d0 0n here,, i jus needa like,,, actually d0 it l0l. but yea...i wanna get back in2 c0ding again. idk,, ive been feelin a bit 0utta it lately, mite b havin a bit 0f art bl0ck again :-( idk,, i g0tta g02 bed s00n cus...sk00l...gr0ss... but yea,, im g0na try 2 get sum c0ding d0ne 2m0r0
TW:SELF HARM hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh jus,,, yaknow,, cvt 4 tyhe 1st time in fuck,,,,,,,,,,, idk like,,,, i wannna say over 4 months maybe??????? fuck idk,,,,,,,, i was tryna like,,,, talk 2 my lil sisabout sumn,,, an my older sister kept comin in an interuppting me,, n like i jus wanted 2 finish wat i was sayin cus i wanted 2 shower,, an my lil sis was like,, getting impatient an wanted me 2 hurry up,,, so i like,, got mad an yelled at her like "OMFG STFU U FA-" an yaknow purposly stopped myself, (i was gona say fat bitch) but like,,, i didnt mean 2 say it an stopped myself cus ik it upsets her,, an i was like,,,,, shit sorry i didnt mean 2 i jus wanna finish what i was saying,, like ik u dont like it,,it was an accident, which it was. an she starts fuckin going off like, if u fuckin say that again im gon swing on u, which is understandable, an shes like i was jus gonna say 1 thing an leave,, an im like...BITCH- now u know i feel alll the fucking time,,, like,,, literlly any time i try 2 fuckin talk an theyre in the same fucking room they always fucking interupt me, an like it really fucks me up, like,,,,,,,,,, i can never fucking talk,, it jus,,,,,like whats the point in even tryna talk yaknow, like nonone fucking care anyways y do i even try, an like,,, its ALWAYS been like this 2,,, but like,, alot more since my dad left an my sisterrs got closer, i jus,,, feel so left out,, isolated,,,,,,,,an its not jus my family eiithr, like,,, in my friend group, at school(wen i was still able 2 go) like no matter what i do,,, i jus feeel so out of place,, i dont belong here, it all seems so pointless
W0GGGGGGG 1st p0st 0f da yearrr!!! uhmmm, n0t much has happened s0 far this year, my team in splatfest l0st (team star bby B-)) ive been updatin the f0rmat 0f the site,, mainly the sidebar s0 all pages r displayed in the sidebar,, an i wanna change the updates a bit, an add sum stuff 2 the h0me page/finish sum 0thr pages an f0rmatting pr0blemz. sch00ls d0ne 4 me in may, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh, an i like,, c0mpletely 4g0t that trade/v0cati0nal sch00ls are a thing,, like,, idk my sk00l never really talks ab0ut them wen they talk ab0ut c0lleges an shit,, they really push the l0cal c0mmunity c0llege, pr0lly cus im p sure they get m0ney wen ppl fr0m my sch00l g0 there, my plaan up until n0w was 2 jus g0 2 the c0mmunity c0llege 4 the 2 years cus idfk what i waanna d0 yet, but i think a trade sch00l mite b better 4 me cus im like,, idk decent at things u c0uld g0 2 a trade sch00l 4, m0re 0n the art side th0,, i kinda wanna learn h0w 2 like,,, actully sew cl0thes an shit th0, i think itd b pretty c00l if i c0uld jus make my 0wn cl0thes an stuff,, idk,, i still have sum time 2 think, n0t al0t, but still s0me, i als0 needa get better at updating the actual site instead 0f leaving updates in brackets 4evr (the pr0gramme i write my code in b4 i m0ve it 2 ne0cities,, makes it real easy 2 test shit 0ut wif 0ut g0in straight 2 the site) the page im m0st excited 2 finally sh0w yall is the cassette c0rner,, c0llectin tapes is a big hobby 0f mine an havin a nice lil area 2 talk ab0ut certain tapes an have inf0 0n them is super exciting 2 me!!! its n0t g0nna b ready 4 a while th0 cus theres al0tta things i g0tta learn 2 d0 4 the f0rmat,, dam ive used the w0rd f0rmat hella in this p0st lma0, but yea i want it 2 l00k nice an clean an my current c0ding kn0wledge isnt quite there yet,, hahahshsh anyways g00dnite,, 0r g00d aftern00n/m0rning dependin 0n wen this is being read, ima sleep n0wwwwwww
W000000000 FUCK YEA LAST DAY 0F SKOOL!!!!!!!! 00f i g0tta w0rk 0n my wix site 4 my graphics class again an 0mf i hate it s0 muchhhhhh like,, its s0 ann0ying an it kinda pisses me 0ff,, html is s0 much fuckin like,,, nicer an way m0re fun hhhhhhhh,, my g0vt teachr extended the late w0rk due date 2 like, jan 2nd s0 i g0t m0re time 2 get my shit 2gethr B) heheh.. uh im pretty exicted 4 chrismas, i d0nt really like christmas itself that much,, but i want my presentssssss, i finally get my frank fig,, i sh0uld b gettin minecraft 4 my switch!!! as well as n0 straight r0ads and that super mario 3d all stars game!!! als0 i g0t my fav f0ster the pe0ple CD and view-m0nster 0n cassette >:-D als0 i asked my dad 2 get me a b00mb0x cus i br0ke the speakers 0n my 0ld CD player, s0 n0w i can listen 2 my CDs again an my tapes aswell cus i jus use my walkman wif a plug in speaker 0r headdph0nes 2 listen 2 tapes,, s0 yea i jus g0tta wait 8 m0re dayssssss (ToT )
regarding my 13-11-20 p0st,, u kn0w what fuck her idc anym0re tbh, she makes me unc0mf0rtable, it jus seems 2 me like she wants negative attenti0n, she enj0ys it, i d0nt wanna see, talk, 0r think ab0ut her anym0re, easier said than d0ne but fuck her, fuck that 0ther girl 2 i d0nt want anything 2 d0 with them anym0re, 0n 0ther n0tes, sch00ls alm0st d0ne 4 the year, which means ill have m0re time 4 this site an 0ther pr0jects, i want 2 make a sister site 4 my c0mics 0r sumn, i still needa actually make the 2nd 1 but ive drawn r0ugh drafts, tuesday= family therapy again...YAY!!! jus fuckin kiddin(i was g0na type jfk,, but yea n0) didnt have 2 g0 last week cus the therapist had 2 g0 sum where,,, as s00n as we g0t back my m0ther was actin like a huge cunt, surprise surprise, she hasnt been 2bad lately but shes still a bitch al0tta the time, she acts like jus cus my dad m0ved 0ut evrythins a million times better, n0 its n0t bitch yr part 0f the pr0blem, n0w shes attckin my 0lder sister 4 sm0king, like even my little sister,, pretty much evrything she says is responded eith "what have u been sm0king?" 0r sum BS like that,,, bitch stfu,,, an like, idr like sm0kin that much tbh but like its fucking ann0ying h0w b0ut u fuckin realize u have issues 2 an sto0p tryna use fuckin religi0n 2 make yrsself seem like a g00d pers0n. um anyways i kinda wanna change sum lay0uts an shit 0n here idk
hhhhhh hi im not gonna b able 2 w0rk on my site 4 a while cus im failing like,,, 3 almost 4 classes (T0T),, so yea,, i wanna like,, graduate this year so i got like,, 2 weeks 2 get my shit 2gethr,, i say as another round of splatoon loads :-//,,, but yea,,, LETS HOPE I DONT FUCKING FAIL MY SENIOR YEAR AHHSHHSSHHHSHH....pain
hhhh this 1 is a like,,, mega vent,, like sum shit ive been dealinwif 4 a while,, i like very vaguely talked bout it in the october 21st post,, like really fuckin vague.. anyways so,,, i think ive said b4 but like,, i did online school my freshman year,, so i went bak=ck 2 normal school 4 my sophmore year,, i didnt have that many friends cus like half my middle school freinds went 2 a diff school. so like,,, i didnt know alottaa ppl an i,, didnt really know how highschool like,, worked ig idk,, anyways so i met this girl in 1 of my classes (gona refer 2 her as uhhh idk corn,,, i dont like corn so,, yea) anyways i thot she was like relly cool an i wanted 2 talk 2 her an try an b her friend but like,,, i was really fuckin ,,, hh idk how 2 explain it realy but i have a hard time like reaching out 2 ppl or like starting a convo or knowing if ppl ctually wanna talk 2 me(its not nearly as bad as it used 2 b but its still there a bit) so like,, 4 the 1st half of the school year she'd like talk 2 me occasionally but i couldnt tell if she actually wanted 2 b friends or what,, hhhh fuck this part is bein typed way later but basically,, i th0t we were pretty g00d friends, she s0ft bl0cked all my acc0unts 0n insta, i tried 2 talk 2 her b0ut it an she bl0cked me, that part was the beginning 0f summer. fastf0rward 2 the next sch00l year we have the same 6th peri0d, she like,, tried 2 b friends wif me agin 0r sumn?? idk but she talk 2 me 0ccasi0nally but i c0uldnt figure 0ut if she wanted 2 b friends again 0r what, it stressed me 0ut like.,, HELLA id try s0 hard n0t 2 cry like,, almost evry day. sch00l g0t cancelled in march cus c0vid s0 i didnt have 2 see her anym0re, she would act like,,, wierd asf 0n her insta st0ries,, i tried 2 tell her h0w the wh0le thing kinda fucked me up,, she ended uup sending me friend request 0n an0thr site,, it kinda stressed me 0ut cus liek,, wtf d0es she want fr0m me?????? uhm,, i ended up blocking her 0n insta ar0und the time i was 0riginally typin up this p0st s0 yea,, im kinda d0ne with her an she makes me unc0mpfy,, idk wtf she wants fr0m me...
....yea 0k s0 like,,, alm0st right after my last entry,,i uhhhh,,hheehhhhh kinda had a breakd0wn 0f s0rts,,, hhh idk,, all i can really say is,,, i havent cried that hard in a l0nggggg time,,, like idk 4 years maybe,, idk that fact i was listening 2 la dispute didnt really help all that much,, but it kinda gave me sum m0tivati0n,,, idk i,, g0t an ideaa 4 a c0mic that ima try 2 make,, maybe ill actually c0mmit 2 this 1,, an maybe itll give me sum m0tivati0n 2 w0rk 0n my 0ther c0mic,,, idk,, but uhhh,, yea idk,, i havnt really been d0in the best lately,, idk ig ive jus been easily irritated lately,, my sisters r is0latin me fr0m them agaain B-) an 0ur family therapy g0t cancelled s0 yea B-) uh idk if i actually menti0ned that 0n here yet,, 00ps,, t0day w0ulda been like,,, the 5th?? sessi0n idk,,its kinda helpin ig?? idk,, idr talk that much,,, im jus h0pin i can get m0re c0mpfy with it cus like,,,, i really need therapy tbh,,,,,ive been m0re m0tivated 2 w0rk 0n my d0lls again s0 thats realy nice!! i gave 1 0f my d0llz a new face up,, g0tta get sum new sealant th0 4 the 0ther 2 i needa red0 cus mine kinda like,, dried up,, idk its weird,, ima try an get sum yarn 2m0r0w s0 i can make a new wig 4 an0thr 1 0f my d0llz cus i d0nt like her wig that much,, i needa make a seperate page 4 my d0llz..
hhhhhhhhhhh FUCK my sister pisses me 0ff sumtimez,,, like she g0t a piece 0f cake an shes like,, here u caan have the 1st bite,,, an like,, its a single fuckin slice 0f cake.. s0 i jus take a small piece 0ff the p0inty part,, like any sane pers0n w0uld d0 if they were eating the 1st bite 0f a piece 0f cake,,, an s0 i give it back 2 her an she gets all fuckin mad at me an im like????? shes like "0h ThAtZ mY fAv0uRiTe PaRt" like?? h0w tf am i supp0sed 2 kn0w that??? u didnt fuckin say anything ab0ut it s0 h0w am i supp0sed 2 kn0w?? like idk h0w u eat f00d,,, i d0nt fucking sit there an watch u eat,,half the time u fuckin eat im n0t evn ar0und u??? hhhh an then she startz sayin shit ab0ut h0w my lil sister w0uld kn0w n0t 2 d0 that....like??? YEA THATZ CUS SHES FUCKING ATTATCHED 2 YR SIDE LIKE A PARASITE HALF THE FUCKING TIME,,,,like,,, its fuckin true th0,, like we started g0in 2 family therapy cus where all fucked up,,, but like they always sit next 2 each 0thr 0n the c0uch thingy in there an like,,, fuckin lay 0n each 0thr an shit,, an like they always d0 it at my h0use 2,,, like theyll jus lay 0n each 0thr in 1 0f thier r00ms,,, an like i d0nt d0 that shit,, cus idr like ppl t0uching me that much,, but like,,, they kinda jus always is0late me,,, an like,, yakn0w i get it i can b ann0ying sumtimez,, im a p eccentric pers0n,, i like al0tta thingz an i have a bunch 0f h0bbies,,, but like i getz 2 a certain p0int sumtimez,,,i kinda wanna say itz like the b0y wh0 cried w0lf,, like i alwayz tell them stupid shit they d0nt care ab0ut, but then wen i try 2 tell them sumn ik they actually d0 care about they tell me 2 fuck 0ff,, an like,, it fuckin hurtz yakn0w,,,, like i alredy barely fucking talk s0 it makez me really upset wen i jus get t0ld 2 shut up wen i d0 try 2 talk,,, an then they like,,,,,,,,,,,,,, fucking C0NSTANLTY talk 0ver me s0 it jus gives me even m0re reason 2 n0t talk,,,, an idk h0w they d0nt get it,,, cus like,,, itz kinda jus always been that way,,, but they still d0nt get it,, like if i evry try 2 j0in a c0nv0 with them,,, i have 2 like,,, fight 2 say it,,, i literally have 2 yell at them 2 shut tf up s0 i can say sumn... s0 like,,, i d0nt even realy b0ther 2 try any m0re,, an like that kinda played int0 my dependency 0n my character that i was talkin ab0ut like the p0st b4 the last,,, cus like,, at least i have sum1 that listenz 2 me yakn0w,,,, hhh idk im suff0cating in this h0use,,, like c0nstantly being in an envir0ment with ppl wh0 ign0re me an constanlty make me angery an upset,, its n0t g00d 4 me,, especially cus i d0nt have any1 else 2 talk 2 really... an like idk it jus makes me feel even shittier ab0ut my relati0nship w/ my 2 friends,,,, an like especially with covid,, i cant make any new friends,,,hhhhh fuck 0k ima st0p here th0 s0 i can jus try an d0 sum vent art,,,
*BIG FAT FUCKIN SIGH* hhhh gona kinda preface this 1 w/ mentions of //r*p3// i do also want to say that this is about a show,, not real life... ok SO 4 sum dumb reason i decided to watch the 3rd season of sword art online cus it was recently put on netflix, an ik it kinda shit but,, it was 1 of my 1st animes an i really enjoyed the aincrad arc but,,, but but but,,, hhhhhhh alfhiem online... i.fucking.hated.it.,, see it was alright at 1st,, then leafa came in,, an i fuckin hate that bitch,, like,, sry its still incest even if yr jus cousins,, an i jus found her like really annoying. but then the bit were kirito was fighting that 1 crazy dude who trapped asuna in the game,, that shit,,, hhhhhh bro it was so gross an r*p3y,, like hhhhhhh it left such a bad taste in my mouth 4 that whole arc,, i comletly seperated the aincrad arc from the alfhiem arc,, like whenevr i talked about the show i had 2 say how much i hated alfhiem. i like,, dont fuckin really remember the gun gale arc or like,, any of the 2nd season,, but im pretty sure there wasnt any kinda gross shit like that in,, idk...anyways so im currently on like,,, episode 10 of season 3...*im sighing like alot rn* so,,, they back at it again w/ the r*p3y shit, but like,,,, WAY more intense than in alfhiem,,, like 2 guys are literally straight up,, try r*p3 two girls,, like theyre not even denying it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hhhhhhh bro i fuckin had 2 pause the episode 2 come type this shit cus its really gross,, an like,, of course the show didnt give ANY trigger warnings,,WHEN THEY NEED TRIGGER WARNINGS 4 SEVERAL THINGS OMFFF,,, like,,,, this dudes eyeball fucking exploded,,, IT FUCKING EXPLODED!!!!!! like SAO isnt the type of show were u would expect these type of things,, its not horror or like a psychological thriller or sumn,,, ITS FUCKING FANTASY.... hhhhhh fuck this shows jus gonna get worse im sure...
hhhhhhhh fuck,, the artbl0ck is startin 2 c0me back,,, an with that usually c0mes the h0peless feelins an the n0t kn0win what im g0nna d0 with my life in a few m0nths wen i graduate an h0w im sl0wly turnin 0ut like my 0lder sister an h0w im failing 2 classes an h0w im already supp0sed 2 b sendin in applicati0ns 2 c0lleges an shit,,,,,,, fuckkk its jus 2 much 4 me rn,,, idk what 2 d0,, idk what im d0ing, all i ever d0 is sit in my r00m all day an d0 n0thing an jus play games an fuck ar0und. my life has n0 meaning, n0 reas0n, why am i here... i just.. i just want some one to really care about me and love me, someone i can really be compfortable around. ive built this,, its not a delision because i know its not real... but ive built this, life inside my head... ive come up with a character and he loves me, and im comfortable with him,, just like how i wish i could interact with other people. and i know its not real,, fuck i really do, and i so wish it could be,, but itll never happen...i wanna say its a coping mechanism or something i made to deal with my sadness..lonelyness.. how isolated i feel,, from my family, my friends,, my self... but yaknow,, it was nice at 1st,, but, its been almost 6 years now,, that ive been indulging myself with this fantasy,, with this ideal version of myself,, my ideal life...i know it needs to stop soon,, this isnt good for me anymore,, im just shoving myself further into this world ive created and farther from reality. idk...its comforting,, predictable... i create conflicts though,, its not all completely movie perfect... i,, i try to make it realistic as i can,, altho somethings arent,, true eternal love... often isnt..but thats what i want so bad,, my soulmate...someone who can understand me and all my stupid little quirks and problems...and thats what he is for me. maybe ill end up going more in depth about him some time... idk,, what my original train of thought was...i jus feel so lonely i have 2 irl friends that i barely talk to,, i try 2 talk 2 them thru text but,, they jus seem uninterested,,, idk how 2 like,, talk 2 them more tbh,,, i kinda fucked up a friendship with sum1 else but idrc about it 2 much cus she was kinda mean an she really annoyed me...but at least she talked 2 me more than my other 2 friends...fuck idk...i really
want need more friends,,, after a different friendship died,, which then resulted in another,,(ill prolly talk about it later,,) ive realized that as much as being social wears me out,, i feel like nothing unless im interacting with other people... a quote that really stuck with me after reading 'into the wild' last year "HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED" and its true... for sum ppl more than others,, but it made so much sense as 2 why losing 1 of those friendships was so hard for me 2 deal with...bc before it,, i was so alone,, doing online school freshmen year lead to me barely talking to anyone outside my family for a year... an it really fucked me up...it made me realize that i really do need people in my life 2 be happy... and its not like,,, im not happy with myself, cus i think for the most part i am,, yaknow i still dislike my self,, my body,, evry once in a while but its not nearly as bad as it was..hehhehehheh ok tho,, i joined a discord server in august an its helped like,,, ALOT,,w/ feelin lonly,, they all so fuckin nice,, sum ppl can b a lil wild sum times,, but its like a really nice lil community :) hhh sum1 jus posted like,,, 1 of those lil virtual bubble wrap thingys an it made me feel like sooooo much better compared 2 almost an hour ago wen i started this entry... an like,, the server (its a frank from subway surfers themed server,,) also really does help w artblock cus most the ppl r also artists, ooo an like,, a month ago we started doin a homestuck reading cus i never read it (i got 2 like act2 in middle skool but i didnt read any of the chats so i didnt know wtf was goin on) but yea its super fun an they make me feel alot better....well,, i suppose ill end this entry now that ive written a whole ass essay...
ok im writing this like,, not on the 18th,, so theres no timestamp,,
ok so 2day was p chill,, i actually gotta sleep cus i had my dad gimme sum earplugs an my older sis slept on da sofa,, we went 2 this super cool revolving sushi place. i was like super excited wen i walked in cus there was sonic banners hung up,, an i like really like sonic,, anyways so it was really cool cus like,, they had these weird lil gatchapons set up above each table,, an 4 like,,, evry 15 plates u ordered u'd get a ball from the gatchapon,,, which had a bunch of sonic themed items!! but like more in2 how the place actually worked (the actual revolving sushi thingy was closed cus covid) but there was a lil touch screen menu thingy an u could go thru an pick out what sushis u wanted, an evry plate was like a set price (2.50$ i think) an there would b like 3-4 pieces on each plate,, so it was kinda expensive. there was other things u could get that was more expensive than jus the sushi plates,,, like ramen or curry or gyoza. but yea it was super cool,, they also had a thingy like,, if u spent 60$ u could get a set of chopsticks,, which i got hehe,, an then i also got sum eggman washi tape fr0m the gatchapon. on the actual chopsticks theres 7 lil chaos emeralds,, super cute!!
im at my dads an my sisters decided that all 3 of us could fit in2 his bed(he sleeps on the couch) with out even asking me if it was ok,,, which its not im fuckin losing my shit rn,,, they took like the whole fucking bed im like,, right up against the edge an tryna compact my body as much as i can 2 the edge. an like they keep touchin up on me an its making me uncompfy,,,,, an they breathe really loud an that makes me even more uncompfy,,, so i put in headphones so i dont have 2 listen 2 them breathe but like i can still kinda hear them over my podcast,, an im like,,, literally fuckin cryin rn cus im so uncompfy. im p sure i have misophonia,, an like not super bad, but i think i have it... like evry time i come 2 my dads w 1 of my sisters i always have 2 wear headphones cus the breathing sounds like keep me from sleeping,, an at school ppl tapping an like the sound/feeling of ppl shaking their feet or thighs make me so uncompfy an upset. hhhhh an like annoying fuckin highschool boys r the worst,, ive had several classes where sum1 plays like,, a high pitch beeping/ringing sound (like how it sounds wen yr ears ring) an they jus keep doin it evry few min 4 like several days,, like i jus get so pissed an upset. i remember in 1 class sum dude was making like,, a phone vibrating noise an i wanted 2 fuckin scream at the class an tell them 2 stfu so bad. an like in 7th grade there was this guy i sat next 2 an hed always shake his cast( cus he broke his leg) am it would like hit the table, an i would constantly have 2 tell him 2 stop an id jus get realy pissedat him like evry day,, i still hate him (he was jus an annoying person 2 me), but like sum guy who also sat at our table ending up talking 2 him mom about it idk y but like i was jus so fuckin upset bc he wouldnt stop.... hhhh am wen my sisters tap thier acrylic nails,,, or like i watch slime videos(yea ik kinda gross) but this 1 girl i watch like,, did asmr of her opening the package,, an she like was tapping an draging her nails on the box an she was rustling the packing peanuts,,, an like i had 2 skip it cus i was so uncompfy. idk y but like,, slime asmr is ok 4 me but like food asmr is so gross i cant,,, hhhhh fuck idk, mouth sounds dont bother me a whole lot (thank fuck,, id actually go feral if it did) but it kinda jus depends on how much they smackin their lips. so yea i think my main triggers r tapping, breathing, ringing, humming, an ppl shaking,, idk jus like constant noises in general,,, idk if its like all breathing tho i think its mostly ppl breathing wen they sleep,,hhh idk i alredy have like,,, anger issues an like sum emotional problems so idrk how 2 deal with it really other than like,, jus listening 2music,, idk
hhhhhh time 4 my wednesday/friday 1st peri0d breakd0wnnnn hhhhhh. /srs th0 (0h yea i think i mite start usin t0ne indicat0rs idk) like hhhh my english teachers make shit s0 hard 4 me,,, like m0st the time they jus talk all peri0d an like,, i never kn0w what i sh0uld b listening 2, like i never kn0w what im supposed 2 be d0in. an like i always end up n0t d0in assignment,, i have like,, a 25%,,,,,idk im jus really struggelin with sch00l in general rn,, 0nline is N0T 4 me. an TRUST ive kn0wn that the wh0le time,, see i did 0nline sch00l 4 my entire freshman year,, an i had all Ds an Cs an i had 2 redo a few classes. but like, i never did any 0f my w0rk (als0 the way it was set up was we had 2 g0 2 class in pers0n 0n the grade levels assigned day, an the rest 0f the week we'd d0 w0rk at h0me 0nline, but u c0uld g0 like,, 0n campus 0ther days if u wanted 2) like it was s0 bad my m0m made me sit in the staff r00m at her w0rk s0 i c0uldnt get distracted. hhh anyways,, 0n a m0re p0sitve? n0te im g0in 2 my dads 4 the weekend 4 his bday,, ig they havin a sk8 c0mp again 4 it(my dads place has a hugeee b0wl/p00l in the backyard) so that sh0uld b fun,, idk ive been feelin kinda ehhh about it th0,, like maybe sum bad will happen??? idk i h0pe n0t,,. it als0 suxx cus in case u havent n0ticed,, ive been m0re m0tivated 2 c0de l8ly,, an like i wanna c0de cus its fun, but i w0nt have my lapt0p during the weekend :-( 0hwell ill have my switch at least,, ive also been m0re m0tivated 2 play animal cr0ssing again,, i have sum plans 4 my island hehe >:-) i als0 kinda wanna add a like,,, ac j0urnal kinda thingy, 2 my site,, i pr0lly will its jus g0na b a l0tta w0rk,, als0 thus is jus a rand0m th0t but like,, i really like how this bl0g page l00ks w chii an like, the h0t pink,, eheheh its realy cute ^w^
bruhhhhh i finally have sum m0tivati0n 2 w0rk on this site,,, but i have 2 make a website 4 my graphics class,, it kinda b0thers me th0 cus we using wix,, an its like drag an drop,,an 0bvi im used 2 html c0ding cus like,, i taught myself it 2 make this site,,hhh idk,,i kinda jus needa figure a bunch of shit 0ut regarding the classs an like what i wanna d0 career wise,
hey i havnt been here in a g00d min but ive been feeling bettr lately, my lil sis friend spent the night s0 we g0t f00d an sm0ked. we als0 finaly g0t stick an p0kes,, lemme jus say, kinda dissap0inting ngl, we had 2 g0 over them like al0t cus the ink w0uldnt realy stick,i th0t we'd 0nly have 2 g0 0ver it like 2/3 times, idk if it was the ink 0r the the needles(they where shaders, my sis bought them w/0 kn0wing) 0r if we werent p0king hard enuff idk. but 0hwell its whatevr,, i did a smiley 0n my middle finger, an my sis an her friend did matching hearts 0n their middle an her friend als0 did a $ 0n her index cus her m0m pr0lly w0nt care,, my m0m DEFINATLY will but idrc l0wkey cus fuck her,, h0pefully she w0nt n0tice cus its 0n the inside 0f my middle finger an its 0n my n0n d0minant hand,,, s0 yeaaaaa h0pefully she doesnt notice 4 a while cus im def g0nna get in tr0uble. 0hwell it was fun
y0 uhh idr have much 2 say rn but i jus t00k a like 20 min nap instead 0f d0in my g0vt. assignment an it was p g00d ngl. im super excited 4 t0m0rr0w an friday cus aggertsukk0 season 3 c0mes 0ut t0m0 an the new phineas an ferb m0vie c0mes 0ut 0n friday!!! yayyy!!
0H MY G0DS 0H MY G0DS 0H MY G0DS!!!!! AHHHHHHAHHAH!!!!! I DID IT I C0NVINCED MY M0THER 2 BUy ME THE SUBWAY SURFERS FRANK FIGURINE!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! i have 2 wait until the 1st 2 get him cus shipping but yayyyy im happy!!!!
y00 whazzup ya cl0wns....i have disc0vered the art 0f CL0WN HUSBANDRY 0///0. I watched STRANGE AEONS new vide0 about it an uhh,, lets jus say im verry intrigued. idk ik al0tta ppl think cl0wns r scary but i think they kinda c00l. i hav a lil cl0wn i f0und in my dads neighb0urh00d(he was in a b0x 0n the curb 0f shit 2 get thr0wn away) an i painted 1 0f my bjds 2 have a cl0wn typa faceup. s0 yea p0ssibly a new h0bby 4 me...which isnt a g00d thing,, i have 2 many h0bbys an never enuff time 0r m0tivati0n 2 d0 them (altho ive been m0re m0tivated 2 w0rk on my bjds l8ly yayyy) any ways 0n an0thr n0te 2day is my lil sis like bday party thingy s0 we g0in 2 the park 2 have a picnic an sm0ke, ive been sm0kin al0t l8ly,, i did yesterrday an the day b4 that...an i hadnt sm0ked 4 like a m0nth b4 that. idk i jus d0nt realy sm0ke a wh0le l0t anyways. but yea that should b fun.
yoooo wazzup...haha im in my 5th rn (my forensics) an my teacher is going over the syllabus...AN I AM NOT LISTENING 2 HIM heheh. he kinda looks like larry(pipers fiance from b4 she went 2 prison) from orange is the new black so im kinda like ehhhh about him cus i didnt really like larry. uh anyways i finally added a sidebar!!! it took me a hot minute 2 figure out how 2 code it an im still tryna figure out the kinks but oh well IM REALLY HAPPY W MY SITE RN!!!
yesterday was 1 of my friends birthdays!! he had a lil party in animal crossing an it was really fun!! i never have any1 2 play w cus i only have like 3 friends an only 2 have a switch.we play sumtimes but not that much cus idk, theres only so much u can do on multiplayer. ive been playin more l8ly cus i finally have ideas for my island. i think i mite start an animal crossing journal thingy on here so yall can see my island!! im pretty happy w how its turning out rn.
hmm idk what else 2 sayy,, i made sum kandi phone straps/keychains. theyre like the lizard keychains that ppl make but i made a rat 1 an a possum 1. theyre really cute!! il themm!! i used the smalller pony beads so theyre not giant.
today wasn't 2 bad ngl. i fought w my sisters a bit cus theyre acting like fuckin cunts, but honestly rn idc, fuck them, fuck everyone. i rode my bike 2 the park an there was a bunch of ppl there cus sum kids were havin a softball game or sumn. after like 30 min or sumn they all left so i was there almost by myself. an ya know what, it was pretty nice. like even tho i was there by myself, i was jus chillin listening 2 my music. i really hate being stuck in my house all the time, i wanna be able 2 do shit but thats kinda hard wen u dont have that many friends.